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In September 2002, Rebecca Denise Borg, my beautiful twenty year old daughter was moving into her first house at Queen’s University in Kingston , Ont after having lived in residence her first year. Within a few weeks of setting up house with her four housemates, Rebecca began to experience a number of infections, fatique, aches and
pains in her joints and most debilitating, severe headaches. She became a regular visitor to the University Clinic and a constant concern to my husband and I. As each week and then months passed with a new concern it became clear there was a serious problem. A blood test was performed on November 12th and on November 13th Rebecca was given the shocking news that she had leukemia. Mid-terms would have to wait!
On November 14th Rebecca was in Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto to begin chemotherapy. It took months of treatment to reach remission. Her leukemia was a stubborn one! A bone marrow transplant was imperative. We were so fortunate that her younger brother David was a perfect match. On May 7th, 2003 Rebecca had her transplant. We were so full of hope for a bright future. By the end of June the leukemia had returned. It was very aggressive. Rebecca died on Thursday, October 30 th, 2003 after a very courageous and inspirational battle.
Rebecca was at the threshold of her independent adult life and looking forward opening the doors to all her hopes and dreams – becoming a teacher, travelling, getting married and having children, making a difference. Rebecca was beautiful, in and out, intelligent, and she lived life to its fullest. We were a family in shock. - Paul, her devoted father, Phil, her twin brother and Dave, her 19 year old younger brother and me, her mother.
What I felt
at first:
I was with
Rebecca when she died. I had been with her every day of her
illness and lived with her in her hospital room for over a
month before she died. We all knew that Rebecca was going to
die soon but the seeds of hope were so rooted in her life.
This hope had been nurtured, encouraged, established and
maintained for so long by her compassionate doctors, nurses
and support staff at the hospital, as well as by family and
friends, that I could not believe, or chose not to believe,
that our beautiful flower Rebecca was withering away before my
eyes.
On October 30 th, as I stood at the foot of Rebecca’s bed
with her nurse watching I watched her rhythmic breathing. I
felt so happy and comforted that she was finally relaxed and
calm (she had not been for so long). I didn’t realize she
was gently moving toward her unimaginable, perfect place of
peace void of any more pain and suffering. Her breathing
stopped and all I could say as I went to her was “Becca not
yet! Please, not yet”.
Disbelief! That was the immediate feeling. It did not seem
real. It could not be real. She was too young. It was too
soon. Shock!
As the days, weeks and months passed the intensity of my
emotions was frightening but perhaps more frightening was the
fact that for the first time in my life I literally had no
control over them.
What helped
the most:
Paul my loving husband, Phil and Dave my wonderful sons help me the most. They give meaning to my life. Even as he struggles with his own “grief work.”, Paul continues to be my staff that holds me up when I just want to crumble. He is always encouraging, understanding and accepting of the ups and downs of this roller-coaster of grief. Phil and Dave are becoming my dearest friends as they move into their adult independent lives. They put up with my endless “I love you’s” and hugs as they try to understand the meaning of this life altering event. I am so blessed to have them in my life.
Family and friends have also been incredibly supportive. There are a few who seem to know intuitively when to call, when to listen and when to share. They know how to distract me and know how to encourage me as I attempt to just get through one day at a time.
What I
learned:
I have learned more from Rebecca’s last year of life than I have from her death. Although she was not able to become a teacher she has become the most inspirational teacher I have ever had the privilege to study under.
There are many lessons she taught me but mostly she made me want to be as strong and courageous as she was. She taught me how to adapt to her death. Through her living example she inspired me to accept the situations and events of life that I cannot change, with the same grace and dignity she did. She inspired me to focus on the positive gifts in my life. She taught me that when presented with a difficult situation the best approach is to accept it and move forward with a loving, caring spirit. She inspired me to smile – broadly – even when it is difficult. Even when she was in great pain she gave those who entered her room the gift of her smile. It has been remembered by all who had the pleasure to meet her. Her contagious smile brought such comfort to those who received it.
If I can live the rest of my life with a positive attitude and accept the things I cannot change with a smile and a giving and accepting spirit, Rebecca will know she taught me well. I will be her best student!
What I would
suggest:
My grief has taken all the rules that have previously governed my life and made them completely ineffective. My coping skills no longer worked. I needed help.
I believe that information and knowledge are power. At this dark place in my life, I believe that this power will help provide me with understanding, comfort and reassurance. With this belief, I read as much as possible about grief and the journey it takes us on. I have also participated in bereavement groups and I have taken advantage of one-to-one counselling. In turn this information, knowledge and support is helping give me the strength to accept Rebecca’s absence in my world. It will never fill the hole in my heart but from this “grief work” I have learned that it will make the pain a little gentler.
I will to continue to suffer the constant presence of Rebecca’s absence for the rest of my life. My loss has altered the path of my life. I now have new destinations, new insights and new reasons for being in this world. I now resign myself to the fact that I must work hard to integrate this loss into my life. It was Rebecca’s choice to focus on life even when she knew she was dying. She is my model to move forward and make a new path of meaning. Rebecca’s memory will be honoured in as many meaningful ways as I can possibly give to her. This profile, my reading and professional support are all stepping stones along my new path of life.
Theo Marie Borg
Rebecca’s Loving Mom
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